tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6061380174371002029.post5386581605254352595..comments2023-10-29T06:46:47.858-05:00Comments on brooke johnson's blog: sneak peek for chroniker city!Brookehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09728905100557593958noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6061380174371002029.post-42074835373679686202011-08-05T11:28:47.760-05:002011-08-05T11:28:47.760-05:00The one thing that seems to be unanimous: my first...The one thing that seems to be unanimous: my first three paragraphs need fixing. ;)<br /><br />I like Marcus' idea of having the first paragraph be an epigraph by a fictional famous person. That makes perfect sense to me. <br /><br />As for starting the story with her going up the stairs. I think it is possible, but I really hate dropping readers in the middle of action without any build up. What do you think of incorporating action into the first few paragraphs?<br /><br />Susan, I'm so glad that the characters and setting came alive for you! That is a HUGE compliment. I hope your curiosity is temporarily sated. Soon, very soon, I hope to have it finished and available for purchase. I'll probably have a contest and give away a few copies as well. :)Brookehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09728905100557593958noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6061380174371002029.post-33917282562107667522011-08-04T21:06:29.728-05:002011-08-04T21:06:29.728-05:00Brooke, I think you have a great query, and for th...Brooke, I think you have a great query, and for the sample pages, I agree wholeheartedly with what the Jo (thegracefuldoe) said. I DID enjoy reading the beginning, but the action definitely picks up once she goes to the university, then it flew.<br /><br />And I think starting with her twisting her hair up to be a man as she goes up those steps would be wonderful.<br /><br />You have a great eye for detail and your characters and setting came to life for me. I've been really curious about what you're writing. Thanks for sharing! :-)S.P. Sipalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17943968424012034217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6061380174371002029.post-52676370297839418692011-08-04T14:56:46.712-05:002011-08-04T14:56:46.712-05:00Hrm. Maybe the first paragraph would serve better ...Hrm. Maybe the first paragraph would serve better as a logline... ?Brookehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09728905100557593958noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6061380174371002029.post-30473234701016574262011-08-04T14:50:51.129-05:002011-08-04T14:50:51.129-05:00Your first paragraph seems to be an omniscient nar...Your first paragraph seems to be an omniscient narrator making an observation, though. I suppose you could make it a thought in Petra's head, or perhaps even an epigraph by some famous fictional person.M.A. Morenohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08684310715782293880noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6061380174371002029.post-42258076065853997592011-08-04T14:00:38.695-05:002011-08-04T14:00:38.695-05:00Thanks Mary :) Your suggestion would be great, exc...Thanks Mary :) Your suggestion would be great, except my story is in a deep third person POV. I think it would feel weird to start in an omniscient POV and hone in to deep 3rd. My opinion of your opinion ;) Thanks for reading, and for the comment! If all goes as planned, CHRONIKER CITY will be out in October, once I've had a good crack at revisions. :)Brookehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09728905100557593958noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6061380174371002029.post-51258199979369508582011-08-04T12:40:10.025-05:002011-08-04T12:40:10.025-05:00I love that you're brave enough to risk sharin...I love that you're brave enough to risk sharing with us! And I like the historical fiction. Since we all have our opinions, here's mine: I would start with the figure walking up the steps to the door, describing in detail the "male". Then with the quiver of her [small] hand on the door (or something), reveal that's she's a girl. Once we are intrigued with the why of her disguise, we'll be more willing to learn about tickers. Just a thought. I'd love to read this when you're ready.Mary Pfefferhttp://www.marypf.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6061380174371002029.post-70655908978640514092011-08-03T21:57:19.379-05:002011-08-03T21:57:19.379-05:00Thanks for the comments Jo. I hadn't thought o...Thanks for the comments Jo. I hadn't thought of starting the story there. I'll definitely take that into consideration once I start revisions. :)Brookehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09728905100557593958noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6061380174371002029.post-27670393184129373522011-08-03T17:35:46.580-05:002011-08-03T17:35:46.580-05:00I love your query, it works well and makes me inte...I love your query, it works well and makes me interested in the story. You could probably cut the first paragraph though and jump straight to Petra.<br /><br />As for the sample pages, it got interesting once Petra tries to get into the university. You can probably cut all that exposition at the start (as it didn't pull me in at all) and work in the information throughout the text. Try starting from here: "With a set of her brother’s pants and her hair twisted up in a hat, [Petra] marched up the university steps."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6061380174371002029.post-84421536690672856202011-08-03T13:32:24.714-05:002011-08-03T13:32:24.714-05:00Thank you Cherie ;)
Marcus, as always, you manage...Thank you Cherie ;)<br /><br />Marcus, as always, you manage to find my overwriting and eradicate it like a swarm of cockroaches... with a flamethrower.Brookehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09728905100557593958noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6061380174371002029.post-61526900151073145152011-08-03T11:42:33.144-05:002011-08-03T11:42:33.144-05:00I like it for the most part, but the second and th...I like it for the most part, but the second and third paragraphs are not sitting well with me. I know that you want to get in some exposition, but it sounds too clunky to me, especially bunched all together.<br /><br />"Petra Wade was a ticker engineer—or, she wanted to be."<br /><br />Isn't this sort of introduction becoming a tad trite? You might want to consider conveying this thought a different way.<br /><br />"Girls couldn’t study mechanics. Girls couldn’t be engineers."<br /><br />I'd strongly recommend cutting these two sentences. We receive this information much more efficiently in the following paragraph.<br /><br />"Every day that she stood outside the gleaming walls of the university instead of within reminded her that she was inferior, unworthy, insignificant."<br /><br />Don't you think that we grasp this bit already from the context? <br /><br />"The world of tickers was the world of men."<br /><br />Once again, redundant.<br /><br />"The only way she would ever achieve status as a worthy engineer was with a slip of gold edged paper stamped with the Guild seal and signed by the university Vice-Chancellor."<br /><br />I think we get this information more effectively in the dialogue, so it's not really needed here.<br /><br />Like I said, other than those two paragraphs (which are hardly awful, but still sending up red flags to this old editor), I really like it so far.M.A. Morenohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08684310715782293880noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6061380174371002029.post-62738288436414584152011-08-03T10:52:03.084-05:002011-08-03T10:52:03.084-05:00You writing sample is really well done. I enjoyed ...You writing sample is really well done. I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing. :)Precy Larkinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16714824672731935371noreply@blogger.com